I Lost You

An impression
is all that remains
of where you once were,
sheets the same
as you left them
as I haven’t slept
since you left me.

I pray to a god
that I don’t believe in
for you to return,
but you will never
be in my bed
or in my arms again.

Tears roll down
and they coalesce
with all the rest
as we watch
you being lowered
and I realize
that the hole
is your bed now
and the silk
is where your
impression will lie

without me
until I find the courage
to join you
in the dark.

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Giving In To Give Up

She was carefree
and running barefoot
through Devou
when the pansy
fell from her hair.

Gunshots were so close
that my ears were ringing.

Bending down
and picking up
the yellow flower,
she saw me
watching her.

I turned to see what I heard
and missed what I needed to see.

With a smile
that was meant
for me,
she tried to meet
my eyes.

The shot was meant for me and how
I wish it would have hit its mark.

Crimson soiled her
and her knees hit grass
and her smiled faded
and she looked
relieved.

I rushed to her side to stop the ebb,
but her outstretched hand stopped me.

“I will gladly take a bullet
for the man with love in his eyes
for a woman he had only seen once
for love at first sight
only happens when
we let go and
let another in
with trust
and without
expectation.”

Wanting Attention And A Cry For Help

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

She had no intention of killing herself. It was just to get attention. Ignore her and the behavior will go away.

He only took enough pills to land him in the hospital. It was just a cry for help. Why should I even pay attention to it? Isn’t that just feeding into it?

An attempt at suicide is not a joke. It is not something to take lightly. Even if you know that the individual had no intention of killing themselves, they felt the need to risk it all just to get some attention. And how do you know that the attempt wasn’t just that, an attempt to take their life.

Most people who fail at their attempt try to make a joke of it or blow it off in some way. Most of them try to get you to believe that they just needed attention because of anything from not getting enough love as a child or just being ignored in school, at work or in life in general.

Having attempted suicide many times, I know that some of the times I either pretend didn’t happen or lie through my teeth about them. At the time I had made my peace, gotten intoxicated enough, got so low that I could not find a way up or all of the above and more and ending it all seemed like the only thing to do.

The most common form of suicide is not self-suicide (taking one’s own life by themselves). It is actually what I refer to as life ending behaviors (LEBs). Doing things that “give a rush” by pushing the limits of life and death. These events include everything from skydiving, free climbing, bungee jumping and other inconspicuous activities to things like Russian roulette, experimenting with illegal drugs and abusing legal pharmaceuticals.

There are millions of websites out there telling you what the warning signs are and I encourage all of you to read them. If you see them in someone you love, do something about it. If you see it in yourself, seek help – immediately.

Self abuse is no better and can lead to suicide if not treated. To treat these things a mental health professional is required. Even if you are one yourself, seek out someone to assist you with therapy and pharmaceuticals, if needed.

No one tries to kill themselves just to garner attention (even if it seems that way) and no one swallows a bottle of Percocet just because they are crying out for help. An attempt is an attempt no matter the surface thought behind it, the seated thought is that life is not worth living because …

Here is a piece about a “cry for help”.

Sticking my finger down my throat,
I swallowed an entire bottle of them.
I realize life is worth living.
I don’t want to fucking die.
I just need to vomit and I’ll be better.
They’ve already been absorbed, I’m screwed.
I don’t want to go to the hospital.
Where’s my fucking phone?  It’s just three numbers.
I can feel my heart rate slowing down
Get excited, raise that blood pressure.
and my extremities are going numb.
They’re just cold, rub them a lot.
Back to the wall, ass on the ground, unmoving.
Get up!  Dance!  Punch something!  Anything!
The darkness takes me and I have one last thought:
I only thought I wanted to die, I swear.

Suicide Prevention Line: 1-800-273-TALK

National Suicide Hotline: 1-800-SUICIDE

My Name Is W And I’m Mentally Ill

Rethink Mental IllnessI was officially diagnosed as bipolar sometime around 1990. I don’t remember the first time I got married, but I don’t remember a lot of things from those 15 or so years. Drugs were a huge factor for my memory loss, mental illness was another. My son was born October 28, 2005. My divorce from his mother was finalized in April of 2006. I got remarried on June 15, 2007. I was diagnosed with schizophrenia in 2008. My daughter was born on March 3, 2010.

My son was not planned. We found out that my soon-to-be ex-wife was pregnant when we filed for divorce, a pregnancy test was a mandatory part of the divorce proceedings. My ex,along with my current partner and all of our respective families knew I would not be a good father because of the many issues I was having (I was drug free at that time, but there were many other issues that turned out to be one big issue), but I was determined to be a better dad than I ever had. I have no contact with my father anymore and when I did it was not the best. He encouraged me to continue using a lot of the drugs I was using – not a father and a horrible dad. I had more custody of my son than I probably should have had, but instead of giving up rights to him, which would have been better (read: easier) for me, I did everything I could and more.

My swinging moods, increasing anxiety, building fears, and growing paranoia made caring for just myself difficult. It made showing the love that I had for my partner nearly impossible at times due to the lack of emotion and, regretfully, that little boy took so much of a back seat in my life that he was barely in the car.

Luckily I had and have a wonderful support system. My partner was number one. My ex would not let me have my son unless my girlfriend turned wife was going to be with us for the entire time. She never took this or any other issue to court as I never gave her a reason by arguing with her. I don’t want to know what would have happened if she did and I find it is best not to dwell on it. Next came my now mother-in-law and by extension her husband. They were there even more than my own mother. It was more than I could have asked or expected from them. What I did get from my mother was more than was expected, but less than what was wanted; however, she came next. Then was my little sister and finally my partner’s sister (not that her contribution was small). I had others helping me, both mentally and physically (not including my mental health professionals), but those were the primary individuals. That amount of people assisting me was more than most people ever have in their lives to assist with their kids or their lives in general; I know that and I am grateful to them all.

The reason my ex would not let me have my son alone was because she knew I had mental issues (i.e. bipolar disorder, megalomania, compulsive lying, hallucinations and more). She believed that I was one day going to snap and, without someone else around, hurt our son – which was never going to happen. My ex also believed that I just needed to work hard enough (at a paying job) and I would be cured because hard work cures everything (except cancer, diabetes and anything there is a blood test for – other than migraines which she had so that made them real unlike mental illness).

Just like cancer, those with a mental illness can’t just magically “get over it” by wishing it away or “just not thinking about it”, but like the cancer patient that braves through it and doesn’t overreact, the mentally ill patient needs to take a page out of the cancer patient’s book and stop overreacting and attempting to get sympathy for their illnesses (if they are able to).

Another big misnomer is that every one with a major metal illness (especially schizophrenia) is violent and if they are not currently violent then the violence is just below the surface waiting to strike out at anyone and anything. I have a ton of anxiety and sometimes need to walk away from a situation or feel like I am going to have a heart attack, but I am less likely to explode in a fit of rage than the average parent of a two-year old who gets overly frustrated.

Some mental illnesses are brought on and caused by environmental factors such as a parent with wild mood swings or abuse of any kind or any number of things, but it is not always about “blaming mommy”. People whine and complain that people with mental illnesses constantly are blaming other people and they are right. Some of it is justified and some of it is just ridiculous. Most mental illnesses are the subject of constant study, but have not been completely unlocked. It is believed that the brain chemistry has something to do with a lot of the mental disorders (proven by scans and such) and genetics are suspected to also be a factor, especially in patients with schizophrenia. Drug use and self harm are also thought to be causes, but the causes why that is present in the first place is another unknown. Most illnesses, mental and otherwise, are still being studied to determine the cause and origin. Many may never be discovered, but we are working to fix what we do know about. The only mental patient that should be ever begin to be browbeaten is one who does not seek help. There are programs out there so anyone of any class can receive help. I did when I was broke, nearly homeless and completely beaten down. Even physical illness have a similar situation only sometimes it is not as easy for them to get the help they need.

So the big difference between the severely and permanently physically ill patient and a mentally ill patient is that one is more accepted than the other and the other can receive help easier. An illness is an illness and should be treated as such. Most of us do not wish to be treated any differently, however some of us have to be treated with a bit more caution and ease.

I will die will my illness, but my treatment will hopefully prevent me from falling into a world where my illness rules me and I lose control of my mental facilities.

To all those out there that share my situation, just remember to not only take one day at a time (minute by minute), but also keep goals and dreams in mind and share them with a partner or close friend so they can help you reach/achieve them.