My Two Year Old Is Driving Me Further Insane

My two year old is probably like most two year olds, but I am not like most fathers and it is becoming increasingly difficult for me to tolerate her. The screaming causes me to scream. The mimicry causes me to smile, but get aggravated when she repeats it over and over again which leads to more screaming.

The thing that gets me fired up the most is when she openly defies her mother or me. That gets her a whipping and/or time out. Sometimes I send her to bed over it. I cannot tolerate it. It makes my blood boil. I hate to be disrespected and that is what she is doing. I have tried explaining it to her, but even though she seems to get it she does exactly what she just got in trouble for ten seconds later.

I know she is testing her boundaries, but she reached the end of them a long time ago. She does not respect us and she does not fear us (which is good), but I need something to change and quick because my hair is falling out AND turning grey and I am having to double up on my Klonopin (at the suggestion of my doctor).

My therapist thinks I need a break and I have taken them and they help, but it is back to the same when I return. I can’t take a permanent break as I can’t stand being away from her for more than a night or three (six has been the max and it sucked). So I miss her, but I want to get away from her. I love her, but I hate what she is doing. I don’t know what to do anymore.

Help me, please.

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Stressing Over A Two Year Old

A two year old was made to induce stress in any living human being that cares for it on a regular or even a semi-regular basis. They refuse to listen, do the exact opposite of what you tell them to do, repeat what you don’t want them to repeat and more.

I know I am not alone in saying that I get so stressed out that I have to walk away from the situation at times. At least I can walk away at times, for a single parent with little to no support life with a toddler must be something like what a believing person would imagine as hell without the fire and brimstone – okay maybe a little fire, but that is a different story.

I also know that I am not alone in my inability to handle the little stresses and anxieties of life let alone the big ones. I, like quite a bit of the world, have a severe anxiety disorder. Yes mine is a very severe case, but I am medicated enough to make it a normal case and I still can’t handle not finding my shoes in the morning after the, you guessed it, two year old moved them “somewhere”. I certainly can’t handle the screaming, spitting, hitting and licking that my two year old exhibits on an hourly basis, not with all the Klonopin in the world.

She is always right, kind of like her mother, and she thinks she should always get exactly what she wants, kind of like her mother. She can’t understand consequences yet and wouldn’t care if she could.

She wakes up too early, naps too rarely and goes to sleep only if she is drugged. I haven’t slept more than six hours a night in over two years and I really wish that was different.

At the store she is a terror and that is being nice. She refuses to sit in the cart, runs off when she is on the ground, hides, refuses to hold anyone’s hand and screams at the top of her lungs for no reason other than to piss me off. She does a lot of things just to piss me off. My wife takes a laid back approach, but I refuse to let her walk all over me like she does my wife. She gets what she wants, when she wants it and still throws fits.

Spanking doesn’t work. Time out doesn’t work. Taking away TV or toys doesn’t work. If we put her to bed early she just screams and throws everything in her room if she can’t open the door.

She is a redhead and I know that comes with a certain temperament, but dear deity I won’t have any hair in a couple more months due to stress.

Routinely I have to walk away. I used to smoke, but my wife whined until I quit. Now I scream, a lot. I can’t write much because with the level of stress I cannot collect enough thoughts to get something legible down.

Today we went to Chuck-E-Cheese. For those of you that don’t know what that is, image eighty games for kids and tunnels for them to crawl through aided by singing and dancing characters and pizza, cake and ice cream. Hell for parents.

I spent most of the time running after my daughter trying to catch her. I lost her, literally lost her, four times in four hours. I cried three times and my wife sat there and complained. I wanted to die. My stress levels were so high I started to pass out … while driving. My wife doesn’t understand. Now she wants me to have my right to have a license go back under review. If I lose my license I am screwed and she doesn’t understand how screwed we will be. I can drive wonderfully as long as I am not overly stressed or under medicated or over medicated.

Stress sucks, but it is built in to having a toddler. I am getting better, but I doubt I will ever be perfect.

Did I mention I want another one?

Hard At Work

I started working on my almost fictional memoir/biography quite some time ago. It has gone through many titles and I recently gave it a new one: Ramblings of an Uncut Mind. I chose it because my poetry collection is titled Poetic Visions of an Uncut Mind and when doing nonfiction (or a reasonable facsimile thereof) I am trying for stability that way if the book gets picked up then perhaps they will pick up the collection for republication. I have big hopes and dreams, but if you can’t dream big then why hope to dream at all?

I say the piece is “almost fictional” because I am not sure what is real and what is not. What is fact to me, may be a lie to someone else. My therapist told me I should leave it alone (trying to figure out what is real or imagined) and just live my life, but that is hard when you are a writer, especially if you are writing a memoir. So I have taken what I think I know and written it down and if something contradicts that in my mind then I write that as well, explaining that I have two or more memories of the same event or time period.

So most of my time has been spent working on that. The rest is spent writing poetry, cleaning the apartment, trying to buy a house, taking care of my daughter and finding time to show my wife some love. As I write this I have to say I feel sorry for her because as much of a bitch that she can be, she still has to deal with a (medicated)schizophrenic, former drug addict, smoker, pathological liar who happens to be an aspiring author. That is not to say that I don’t feel that she still treats me unfair at times, it is just to say that she has it just as rough, if not more, as I do dealing with her unmedicated ass who is sick constantly and whines when she is not bitching, screaming, or not listening to a word I say, not to mention never taking my feelings, thoughts, or sicknesses in mind.

So if you are wondering why I haven’t been posting so much, now you know.

A quick update:

  • The 2 year old is sleeping through the night in her own bed, but never past 6:30 am.
  • The wife is looking for a better job that won’t treat her like a door mat.
  • We have found a house, pending inspection (Monday), that we should be in by mid-August.
  • I think my best friend is trying to get in my wife’s pants as his wife’s pants are currently in the possession of another of our friends (complicated). I may write about this when I have time.
  • My medication is working splendidly. Anxiety is at a 25% level and paranoia is at a 35% level, but the hallucinations are at a 5% level and the emotional response is up 300%. Moods are stable for the most part and I am seeing signs of real happiness.

Would love to hear from any of you readers that would like to say something.

Not In A Good Place

Since medications were stolen, I am not only going through withdraw, but having major anxiety attacks. I am not sleeping and I can’t shake the feeling of large bugs crawling under my skin, just pushing and pushing their way out. My moods are all over the place and the paranoia is so bad that I am barricading the doors and widows and refusing to leave the house. I even tore the house apart today looking for audio or visual devices (I found none).

I didn’t react this bad when I came off of heroin 10 years ago. Suicide is not an option, well its an option just not a valid one – I wish it was at times.

My wife and I are also not seeing eye to eye. She can’t handle my issues right now and I don’t know what to do.

I need help and my psych and therapist just aren’t doing the job. My dog is helping, but only a bit. I did think about throwing her out the widow when she went and did her business on the floor but I stormed off, yelled, put a hole in the wall and cleaned it up.

Then I patched the hole. Then the guy I may or may not have killed came to talk to me about God.

Anger is not my forte. I don’t know what to do with it, how to handle it, or how to vent it so I don’t hurt anyone.

Do I need to check myself in?

Do I need that much help or will it go away in time?

Scared Of Missing Out On Her Firsts

I cannot watch my daughter during the day. My anxiety levels get too high and I end up prone and useless before the day is half over. I can barely take care of myself (some days I can’t) and therefore it is best that my daughter spends her days with someone else.

Luckily we do not have to result to daycare as my wife and I are both against it for many reasons. The only good thing that we believe comes from daycares is socialization skills. We attempt play-dates as much as possible to make up for the fact that she is alone all day with her great-aunt.

Mi-mi (my wife’s aunt) watched my wife and her sister when they were young and now she watches our daughter. She could never have children of her own and makes up for it by treating our child as her own. This is a wonderful thing in many aspects, but in certain things I find myself insanely jealous.

I have missed so many firsts in my daughter’s life and will continue to do so. Mi-mi and her husband take our toddler anywhere and everywhere they can. They buy her whatever she wants and while attempting not to spoil her, give her nearly everything she want and do everything she asks to do.

I want to be that person. I want to take care of my daughter. I want to be there for her firsts. But I can’t. I cry more often than a man should, especially since emotion has come into my life.

Instead I am the disciplinarian as my wife refuses to be. She wants to be the fun mom when she gets home from work. So I nearly never get to be the fun guy. The exception to the rule is on the weekends when my wife wants to go shopping.

On the weekends when it is just my daughter and me we color, paint, watch TV, have tea parties, cook in her kitchen, go shopping ourselves, go out to eat, etc. It is rare, but I cherish every moment.

I have had an issue with memory in the past and it is not completely gone, but it is getting better so I take pictures of everything I can, every time I can and of her as much as possible, especially when she is smiling because of something I did.

Today, when I dropped her off with Mi-mi my princess would not let go of me. She clung to me like I was the last piece of chocolate in the box. She cried real tears when I said I was leaving and begged me not to go. Part of me felt really bad, but part of me felt really good. I know my daughter loves me, but it is nice to be reminded from time to time.

My Day With My Daughter

I almost never have more than a couple of hours alone with my daughter as my anxiety does not allow it – it barely allows an hour or two. Last Saturday I had nearly all day with her.

My wife went shopping for several hours in the morning, slept when she got home and then went for a two hour pedicure afterwards. When she got home from that she sat on the couch and lost herself in her computer leaving me alone with my daughter for five or six hours and then virtually alone for another four or five hours. This left me with the task of finding something for us to do and curbing my anxiety and lack of confidence in myself.

I cannot force myself to go outside as I live in an apartment, next to a road, across from a community center – there are people all over the place, all the time. The anxiety would be fueled by the agoraphobia and the paranoia and there would be no way I could focus enough on my daughter. I considered the zoo, but without my wife I would have no one to lean on and the same thing would happen. So we were stuck inside as I had no interest in sharing my day with relatives. I was determined to handle this task on my own and enjoy the time as much as I possibly could.

So I broke out the new art activities I had recently bought for my two year old and we colored while my wife was shopping. She drew a beautiful picture on the window and then several on construction paper and custom coloring sheets I designed.

When the wifey got home my daughter and I watched a movie (six movies would play that day, but some of them were just on in the background).

While the movie was playing, we (pretend) ate in her kitchen, played house with the cardboard box I turned into a house and I brushed her hair while she told me about her soccer lesson and her week with her aunt who watches her.

When mommy left for her pedicure we brought out the finger paints. What was supposed to last for an hour or more only lasted twenty to thirty minutes. I showed my daughter my attempt at scrapbooking and we looked at pictures.

More movie watching and some cuddling. Reading and more (pretend) eating filled the time until dinner.

All in all in was a relaxing day where my anxiety and control issues only reared hard a few times (mostly while coloring and painting). I know that there is no way I could do that everyday and I found a new respect for those that do watch children all day lay. Multiple ones would drive me to swallow a bottle of pills and lock them in their bedrooms(s).

I am curious to know what issues arise in other people where children are concerned.

The Father I Wish I Was

I have two children – a son and a daughter. They are four years apart and have a different mother (my ex-wife and my current wife). Both are very young right now, but still get along rather well. My daughter and her mother live with me, my son lives with his mother at her parent’s house along with his brother who has a different father (my ex-wife and her ex-boyfriend who they don’t even talk to anymore). I want my kids to have a better childhood and life than I have had.

My Son.

My father was around about as much as I am in my son’s life. I am not an alcoholic and drug addict however like my father was and therefore I am more in touch with reality. I don’t spend nearly the amount of time with my son as I would like and the time I do spend with him is not always ‘quality time’. We do not have a relationship that either one of us feels comfortable with. He begs to not stay at my house for the night and therefore doesn’t because I want him to be happy. I would be concerned that he didn’t actually love me, but when he is around he clings to me like oil to skin. He is constantly hugging me and telling me he loves me. It is a wonderful thing. We have not had much that we could do because I have a severe anxiety toward social situations and therefore could not take him many places that are closed in. In the past my mental state has prevented me from spending more time with him as I couldn’t drive the distance to go and get him so I had to rely on my mother and my in-laws. They have been wonderful, but it is time for me to take over in that department and become a more involved father overall. My medications are leveling out and I am in a better place than I have been in since the introduction of anti-psychotics to my medication repertoire.

My wife and I got a season pass to the local zoo and therefore I am attempting to control my anxiety (with and without medication) so that I can take my children there as much as they would like to go. It is an activity that both children will enjoy. We currently only have one vehicle because, as I hinted at, I could not drive long distances by myself very often. We are looking to get another vehicle and that should allow me, if my medications keep my mental state in good shape, to drive more often. Hopefully that will allow me, with the approval of my son’s mother, to spend more time with him, like during the week when he is not in school. My wife and I are also starting to get our financial affairs in order so we can attempt to purchase a house. That will give us a yard and more room to play and do things that children like to do (or should like to do). Working slowly forward, my relationship with my son should improve as time goes on.

My Daughter

When my daughter was born and after my wife returned to work from maternity leave, I took care of her for a while, not long, but some quality time that she will not remember, but it helped instill a relationship between us. I was beginning to realize that I could not handle an infant on my own. I hoped that I could get assistance and then take care of her later. It has been a couple of years and I still can’t take care of her for very long by myself. We have a better relationship than the one I have with my son, but it is not what I want either. The one really nice thing is that, now, I rock and sing her to sleep every night. I am grateful for that as it gives my personal time that helps us bond.

What I would like is the ability to watch her during the day. She is in wonderful hands right now, but I still wish those hands were mine. I suppose if I had the ability to work she would be in daycare or in the situation she is in now and I would see her as much as I do if not less often, depending on what I do and my hours. So, thinking of it that way, I am grateful that I have the time I do with her. However, sitting at home all day give me time to think and I think I want more time with her. It hurts me to think that I literally can’t take care of her on my own.

That is changing slowly as well.  My wife leaves her with me while she goes shopping from time to time and things go relatively well most of the time. Sometimes it is a bit more difficult than it should be because my anxiety gets the best of me, but I am really trying to work on that.

Basically I am a decent father to both of my kids, but, like most parents, I wish I could be a better father and I, unlike some parents, am working to make that a reality.