Short Update

A short update is all I have time for. I am writing incessantly and I am reviewing constantly for Divertir publishing and then there is the writing group that I started that I am back working for that is taking all my time. Between all of that and cleaning the house and occasionally taking care of the toddler and spending what little time I have left over with the wife I don’t know how to breathe anymore.

I love it all though. If I could find a job I would love it even more. Would not cut anything out, I would just rearrange stuff to give me time to work. Give me a job universe and I will give you my all.

As far as a job goes I need a desk job so I can sit due to my arthritis and degenerative disc thingy, not to mention the nerve disorder. I also need something relatively low stress because of the schizophrenia and the anxiety attacks.

There’s my update. Ask me questions, really, and I will answer them. Please ask me questions.

The Introduction Of The New Me

Over the last seven years my life has changed dramatically. I got married to the love of my life and life itself seemed wonderful. We had a blissful honeymoon and I thought that was how the entirety of my life would go (I believe she did as well). We were both disappointed.

My mental illnesses got worse and worse. I became more and more susceptible to the stress around me. Jobs started lasting less and less time (I had never lasted long at a job because I got bored or my anger got the best of me, or I had the rare anxiety attack and I never went back because I was embarrassed). I spent quite a bit of time in and out of the hospital because of the anxiety attacks that were coming on weekly or sometimes even more frequently than that.

I lost my last job because I had too much time away due to the inability to handle stress and determined that school was my best bet. I would change majors from Culinary Arts to something less stressful. Instead, while living with my in-laws I had my breakdown.

Over the next two months I degraded so fast that neither my wife nor I knew what was going on. She became cold and I became distant. Everyone was out to get me and I could not leave my desk chair other than to go outside to the comfort of my secluded balcony to smoke. It was obvious that I needed help so, with my wife’s help, I got it.

To make a long story short as I have gone over most of this before, I eventually found the psychiatrist I am with now. I eventually found the right mix of medications and I eventually started to feel normal.

I wanted out of the house. I want out of my desk chair. I started to do more around the house. I started spending time with my daughter. I started being a somewhat normal human being.

Last week I decided that it was time for me to go back to work. Due to child support from my first marriage, I need to make a certain amount just to bring in what I am bringing in now with my disability and the jobs that disability will find for you are a joke.

So I am job hunting. I haven’t worked since 2007. I am a published writer so I use that as my work experience for the last several years, but a lot of employers don’t look kindly on that. I will find a job. I will contribute to my household. I will be a active member of society. I will introduce the world to the new me.

Dealing With Change

Life, as we all know, is nothing but change. However, some of us have difficulty dealing with change. When you are single and without children you really only HAVE to deal with your changes and you think your life will end when you finally cave to those changes.

When you find a significant other you have to deal with their changes if you want the relationship to work and most of the time, even though you tell them, they don’t understand that change, any change, is very difficult.

Now that’s two lives who’s changes affect you. Add kids to the mix and not only are their changes included, but their changes are, somewhat, governed by you so you have to force change in your own life so they can continue in theirs.

From bottle to food. From crib to bed. From diapers to underwear. From home to daycare. From daycare to school. And all the major and minor one in there as well.

We currently live in an apartment. Have since our little family started. We are looking to buy a house VERY soon. This is one of the biggest changes in my life, I am finding out. It means, to me, a beginning of a settled life and it scares the hell out of me.

The other bad part about change is my moods and I am sure I am not alone. As the change rolls around in my mind I get more and more depressed and sullen, even angry at times, but when I concede to it, if I concede to it, mania kicks in – hard.

I try to calm myself down. I try to get in my routines. I try to not think of only me, but it is all so hard. My mind cannot fairly fight itself and that is what is happening.

I have no advice. I have only complaints. I have only a war inside my head and a time where I try not to piss off my wife more than usual. Oh, and I try not to deal with money much (there is a little advice in there).

Big Girl Bed Jubilee

9:40 pm

 

At 7:15 pm my daughter saw that I put together her princess big girl bed and the baby bed (crib) was gone (broke down and in the closet). At 8:12 pm, after our routine of Big Bang Theory, brushing teeth and saying goodnight to the Mickeys that hang on her wall, she was snuggled up in it. At 8:12.25 pm she was screaming, BUT not getting out of bed.

It was only 3 minutes later that she demanded that we go cover her up. With her Minnie and Monkey on one side and Lovey and Duckie on the other, we gently laid the sheet, comforter, Blanket 1 and Blanket 2 over her.

We didn’t hear another peep until a little after 6:15 am when I heard her shaking the metal dog gate at the end of the hallway.

We are pleased with the results, very pleased. Now to just hope it goes at least as well tonight and every night thereafter.

Family Camping Trip Failure Leads To Mommy Blacking Out

My two year old daughter’s first camping trip started after her soccer practice on Friday evening. The tent was up before full dark and we were in decent spirits … until she realized she was going to have to sleep in tent. Not in her bed. On her own air mattress. Not in mommy and daddy’s bed. Without her music. Not in the climate controlled luxury of a home.

She finally passed out around midnight on my wife’s arm as we flitted in and out of sleep. She was being pinned in place and I was fighting to not fall off the mattress. I should have gone to my daughter’s mattress, but I refuse to sleep with an animal in my bed and the dog was occupying my daughter mattress.

We tried to recover in the morning, but as the cloud of condensation poured out of my mouth I realized that I packed nothing for weather below 65 and sunny. A morning trip to Walmart for clothes and McDonalds for a quick breakfast as it was nearing 8:30 am after the leaving the store and would be too late to get breakfast cooked by the time we got back.

We got back and the demon came out. She demanded that we go hiking so it wasn’t all bad, but as we had to drive to the trail because the one off the campsite was not suitable for a two year old, she screamed the whole way that she wanted to “GO HIKINIG NOW”.

Hiking started out marvelously.

On her own to start the hike

Getting a little help from mommy up the first hill.

This was the las happy face until it was all over.

The remainder of the hiking consisted of standing still and being carried, along with crying, hitting, kicking the dog, and butt busting. We cut the hike in half and went back to the campsite.

While we were relaxing my perfect angel poured an entire can of soda in the tent, threw the dogs water and food, kicked the dog again, went on a general rampage to the point that I finally said enough and started packing things up as my wife cleaned and helped me tear down. The first camping trip was over. It did not look like there would be another one.

I called and begged my mother-in-law to take our daughter overnight so that we wouldn’t go further out of our minds and she (thankfully) agreed. When we dropped her off I realized that I forgot to give my daughter her nighttime blankets and buddies which could have been one of the reasons for no sleep and we also found out she is cutting her lower rear molars. All of that added up lead us to believe that we could probably try camping again under different circumstances and if we took her brother to keep her busy (and out of our hair).

We headed home and contemplated climbing in bed and not getting out until morning even though it was only 3:30 pm.

We should have.

Instead we decided that we were going to go home and drink a little while we watched a movie which, somehow, turned into, “Let’s buy a bottle of rum and play a movie drinking game”.

Watching The Hangover (a great comedy) and taking a shot every time someone says “Doug” is impossible. I remember making it 32 minutes into the movie and that is only because we were laughing and missed some Doug’s.

I woke up with a horrible headache at 9 am. I freaked out as we had to have our daughter picked up at 11 am. I rolled over to wake up my wife and when I touched her I smelled it. She had vomited in her sleep. She warned me not to come near her as she woke up in it at some point and apparently rolled it up in the sheets (which are being thrown out) and passed back out.

She was lucky that she wasn’t sleeping on her back or she would have choked to death as she was not sleeping, she was passed the ‘f’ out.

Sad part? Probably the best night I have had in years and even thought it took me until 3 or 4 pm to recover enough to not vomit every time I moved, I know I would do it over given the chance and I plan on doing it again. The next time we will wait until the guys get to Vegas to start drinking and instead of slamming shots we will drink mixed drinks and beer, adding a few rules of our own.

So now the house is a mess. Our daughter is asleep after being drugged with teething tablets and Tylenol. My wife is asleep on clean sheets, covered with a clean comforter. My week looks atrocious as I will be struggling to find a way to get back into a routine. And we all feel like we were in the back of a box truck rolling down the side of a mountain.

  • Camping with a cranky toddler – bad.
  • Drinking with your wife – good.
  • Drinking until you blackout – bad.
  • Smiling at the end of the day because you realize the love that exists in your familiy is strong, deep and real – wonderful.

How was your weekend?

Scared Of Missing Out On Her Firsts

I cannot watch my daughter during the day. My anxiety levels get too high and I end up prone and useless before the day is half over. I can barely take care of myself (some days I can’t) and therefore it is best that my daughter spends her days with someone else.

Luckily we do not have to result to daycare as my wife and I are both against it for many reasons. The only good thing that we believe comes from daycares is socialization skills. We attempt play-dates as much as possible to make up for the fact that she is alone all day with her great-aunt.

Mi-mi (my wife’s aunt) watched my wife and her sister when they were young and now she watches our daughter. She could never have children of her own and makes up for it by treating our child as her own. This is a wonderful thing in many aspects, but in certain things I find myself insanely jealous.

I have missed so many firsts in my daughter’s life and will continue to do so. Mi-mi and her husband take our toddler anywhere and everywhere they can. They buy her whatever she wants and while attempting not to spoil her, give her nearly everything she want and do everything she asks to do.

I want to be that person. I want to take care of my daughter. I want to be there for her firsts. But I can’t. I cry more often than a man should, especially since emotion has come into my life.

Instead I am the disciplinarian as my wife refuses to be. She wants to be the fun mom when she gets home from work. So I nearly never get to be the fun guy. The exception to the rule is on the weekends when my wife wants to go shopping.

On the weekends when it is just my daughter and me we color, paint, watch TV, have tea parties, cook in her kitchen, go shopping ourselves, go out to eat, etc. It is rare, but I cherish every moment.

I have had an issue with memory in the past and it is not completely gone, but it is getting better so I take pictures of everything I can, every time I can and of her as much as possible, especially when she is smiling because of something I did.

Today, when I dropped her off with Mi-mi my princess would not let go of me. She clung to me like I was the last piece of chocolate in the box. She cried real tears when I said I was leaving and begged me not to go. Part of me felt really bad, but part of me felt really good. I know my daughter loves me, but it is nice to be reminded from time to time.

Two Nights Without Mommy And Daddy

We hate being away from our daughter for any amount of time, but sometimes a break is required. A little one on one time is needed to ensure each other that the love is still there. We cannot justify having that alone time overnight without a reason that both of us are comfortable with – wanting to sleep through the night is not it.

My wife is obsessed with a certain band (Blue October) and would follow them around, attending every show if she didn’t have to work, but she does and so she only sees the shows that come within a certain distance to us and only if she can get the time off from work. I really enjoy the band as well (they are in my top 10 of all time) and am delighted when we get to go. My schedule is open more than(insert crude joke here). When we heard the band was coming to our hometown (something they haven’t done in a very long time) and two hours away we decided that we would make an outing of it. We would see the show two hours away and then the one in our hometown. The original plan was to have my in-laws watch our baby girl while we were gone and then she would still sleep in her own bed. As time went on my wife’s parents convinced us to leave her there for the entire time. One concert was on Thursday and the other on Friday so our daughter would stay there from Thursday afternoon until Saturday afternoon. It took some convincing but my wife agreed.

Two nights alone with my wife and no toddler to wake us up during the night. It was going to be heaven.

We got up to the first show and stood in line for nearly six hours waiting to get in so we could have a choice spot in front and at 11:00 pm, we decided that we were getting a hotel and not driving our wearied bodies home. The hotel was not what we expected and not what we paid for, but it was a bed, no interruptions and a late check-out. We headed home and ran some errands, without the toddler tornado, and made arrangements to meet up with friends who had never seen the band live but were fans. They were also going to the show and we all had VIP tickets (seats, no line, drinks, etc.). It was a good experience, different from the night before and almost not as good, but we still had a blast.

When we picked up our daughter we found out that she was not the perfect angel my in-laws had been telling us she had been over the phone and that they had been bending to her will in nearly all things.

Great. That meant possible days of trying to get her back on the routine we have been working so hard to get her on.

The master manipulator was still in her shorts and t-short from soccer that she apparently refused to go to and instead of pushing her to do it they just caved at the first whine and brought her home. No bath because she didn’t want one (she’s two – she doesn’t want a lot of things). She only ate what she wanted or she didn’t eat what was not exactly what she wanted and so had only eaten a can of tuna a few bites of food from a breakfast restaurant and a bit of fruit. From Thursday to Saturday morning!

At home I have made a CD of me singing songs to her that we play on repeat all night. We sent the CD player, the CD and instructions with her so that she would sleep. We also told them that she sometimes screamed for a half an hour. They swear they put the CD on, but she just wouldn’t stop screaming so they got her up (possible since she was out of routine). She finally fell asleep around 11:30 pm not in her bed and woke up at 1:30 am demanding tuna. This is where the can of tuna came in. At home we would calmly and with love, tell her no and that we loved her but she had to go back to sleep – and she would. They gave her the tuna and wondered why she didn’t go back to sleep. After further probing it turns out that she did fall asleep in her bed to the CD, but they didn’t hit repeat so when she woke up and it wasn’t playing she was awake and that was her way of convincing mamaw and papaw to get her out of bed.

The second night she went down at 9:00 pm (only an hour after her normal bedtime) because my father-in-law wouldn’t let my wife’s mother to deal with it and she slept until 7:30 am (they hit repeat on the CD player).

I was grateful to them for everything, but I regretted my fun even though it brought my wife and I closer together – which we desperately needed.

Saturday night could’ve been hell on earth, but she was out in ten minutes and hopefully stays down.