I feel like I have never felt before. Before the drugs (the majority of them) and before the medications I kind of remember being a angsty preteen pain in my absentee parent’s rear. During that time moods were being thrown all over the place, but the only control that was to be had was whatever environmental factors that I could avoid or get in to.
When I increased the usage of illicit drugs I still had little to no control over my emotions, but then there were very little emotions to be had. The psychotic episodes began and my conscience went on vacation.
I then got on medications and everything went blank. I was forcing any emotion that would almost come and I didn’t think I would ever be anything but what I was right then.
Now things are different again. I have come to realize that emotions are hard, if not impossible, to control and I do have them – they were just being smothered by the drugs (legal and not).
Off the pain medication and on the right meds I have emotions, real ones. Depression is a passing thing not a state of being. I know what love, not obsession, is. I know what it means to be, or want to be, co-dependent as opposed to independent and dependent.
My words are being saved for something else right now, but I can say I feel like the bright summer sun that just found the break in the clouds from a deluge that had lasted for days, weeks, months, or even years.
We are house hunting right now and the clouds streak in front of me occasionally because I know, due to my past, that I am only an assistant in the process. I mean it will be mine and the decision is half mine, but everything will be and is in my wife’s name. A sense of ownership is hard to find and therefore pride is difficult to inflate, which may be a good thing, but my pride has not existed for a while now – a little would be nice.
When I started this blog we were having sleep issues with my two year old. If she wouldn’t sleep it would nearly kill me to stay up. I would breakdown and not recover for days. Now she is in a toddler bed, sleeping through the night, except the time I am going to talk about, and is a good sleeper – for the most part.
We put her to bed every night using the same routine and she still listens to a CD of me singing to her, but she goes down without much of a fuss, doesn’t get out of bed and sleeps through the night, except the other night.
I left my office at 10:45 pm and as I hit the hallway she started crying. I waited, but it only got worse. I went in to talk to her, but she wanted nothing to do with it. Finally she agreed to sleep on the couch. I should have never agreed to that.
Long story short, I was up all night watching movies and reading books to her (she has a back molar coming in we found out). The point is I was tired, but fine. No breakdown and no days to recover.
Things are looking up.
I will keep you abreast of the house situation and the new baby try (surprise).
What else would you like to know about me or my life?