Short Update

A short update is all I have time for. I am writing incessantly and I am reviewing constantly for Divertir publishing and then there is the writing group that I started that I am back working for that is taking all my time. Between all of that and cleaning the house and occasionally taking care of the toddler and spending what little time I have left over with the wife I don’t know how to breathe anymore.

I love it all though. If I could find a job I would love it even more. Would not cut anything out, I would just rearrange stuff to give me time to work. Give me a job universe and I will give you my all.

As far as a job goes I need a desk job so I can sit due to my arthritis and degenerative disc thingy, not to mention the nerve disorder. I also need something relatively low stress because of the schizophrenia and the anxiety attacks.

There’s my update. Ask me questions, really, and I will answer them. Please ask me questions.

Three Lies I Tell Myself

I can be normal.

I suppose it depends on your definition of normal, but I will never meet the status quo and that makes me sad so I tell myself that one day I will even though I know that I will not. Sometimes it is better to openly lie to yourself instead of completely accepting something that will crush part of who you are.

I will be Superdad.

I will be the best dad I can be, but that will never be enough for some people. I have days when I think it won’t be enough for my kids either. I have already failed my six year old, will I fail my two year old as well? Will good enough be good enough for me and my kids? Will I be what they need or will I fall short giving everything I can? I will never be Superdad, I will be lucky if I am Decentdad.

I will one day be healed.

This is the big one. I will never be healed. I will be “sick” for the rest of my life. I will be a burden to those around me forever. I will always be that guy with schizophrenia. AND as an added bonus I could pass it on to my kids. Yea!

We tell ourselves lies to soften the blow of reality, but when we live in a world of lies reality has a way of breaking through and crushing us. I try not to be crushed, but I fail most of the time.

My Two Year Old Is Driving Me Further Insane

My two year old is probably like most two year olds, but I am not like most fathers and it is becoming increasingly difficult for me to tolerate her. The screaming causes me to scream. The mimicry causes me to smile, but get aggravated when she repeats it over and over again which leads to more screaming.

The thing that gets me fired up the most is when she openly defies her mother or me. That gets her a whipping and/or time out. Sometimes I send her to bed over it. I cannot tolerate it. It makes my blood boil. I hate to be disrespected and that is what she is doing. I have tried explaining it to her, but even though she seems to get it she does exactly what she just got in trouble for ten seconds later.

I know she is testing her boundaries, but she reached the end of them a long time ago. She does not respect us and she does not fear us (which is good), but I need something to change and quick because my hair is falling out AND turning grey and I am having to double up on my Klonopin (at the suggestion of my doctor).

My therapist thinks I need a break and I have taken them and they help, but it is back to the same when I return. I can’t take a permanent break as I can’t stand being away from her for more than a night or three (six has been the max and it sucked). So I miss her, but I want to get away from her. I love her, but I hate what she is doing. I don’t know what to do anymore.

Help me, please.

The Loss Of Personal Freedoms

As a parent I find that my spelling has improved immensely as my two year old cannot yet spell and, at times, it is the only way my wife and I can communicate. The fun part is when we have an argument in front of the toddler where we have to control our anger, breathe and spell out hateful and spiteful words so the parrot (kid) does not repeat them. If we slip up you better believe that she will repeat that word over and over again, especially to those whom it will offend the most. So our freedom of speech goes out the window.

A gun safe can be safe, but it is not impregnable, especially for a nosy toddler. Freedom to bear arms – gone.

The freedom to do what you want, when you want to is also gone as you have to watch what is done and when it is done so that the toddler or older child does not think that just because mommy or daddy or other relative did it that it is alright for them to do it as well.

Staying up late is pretty much out of the question as well. We put the child to sleep and then wait for her to fall asleep, watch a show and go to bed. I am in bed no later than 11 pm every night because my alarm (the crying toddler) goes off at 6 am every morning and if I want any sleep as I use the restroom several times a night, I need to go to bed even earlier than 11 pm. I am usually in bed by 9:30 pm. Early considering I used to stay up until 2 or 3 am and then not get up until 11 am or noon. Freedom to sleep on my schedule is also gone.

Now everyone does not follow these rules, but I would have to say that good parents do. Good parents do not have their child out until midnight or later. Good parents do not argue or curse in front of their children. Good parents do not leave firearms, knives, or other instruments of harm where their children can get to them if they keep them in the house at all. Keeping you kid out on a rare occasion is not being a bad parent, but doing it every night or even more than one or two nights a week (this is even extreme) is too much.

I am not a perfect parent, no matter how hard I try. I do not keep a perfectly clean house so that my child can get into nothing, but I try. I have a firearm, but it is in a safe on a shelf in our bedroom where the child is not allowed and would have to stack two chairs on top of one another to get to it. She would also have to take the key off mine or my wife’s key ring. I do occasionally keep my toddler out late, but it is maybe twice a month and it is only a few hours past her bed time as when we break the routine we pay dearly for it. We would not keep her out later if that was not the case. If she would sleep somewhere other than her bed or at her mammaw’s house then we would also consider staying out later, but she won’t so we don’t.

No one is perfect, but some of us strive to be and I commend those people. Those who just don’t give a rat’s ass are the ones whose children I feel sorry for.

We lose certain freedoms, but we gain a precious child who we help shape and mold into a wonderful human being.

Happy Anniversary/Father’s Day To Me

My five year wedding anniversary was Friday the 15th and we stayed in a cabin at Hocking Hills in Central Ohio for the weekend. It was a wonderful three days with my wife, alone – with not even cell service. We went antiquing (and I liked it) and we saved the hiking until Sunday (our last day there), after we checked out.

Trekking through the mud (it was lightly raining) was a wonderful Father’s Day start.

We didn’t get home until 6 pm and my daughter fell asleep at the dinner table not long after we picked her up. I spent about fifteen minutes with one of my kids on Father’s Day, but it was still a wonderful day and a great close to an unforgettable weekend.

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On Saturday I faced my fear of heights and went on a 3 hour zip line tour. The zips were, on average, 60 feet up and 500 feet long. we did 10 of them and 5 cable bridges. It was one of the best adventures of my life. I would do it again, over and over again. I am jealous of the guides as they get to do it 2 – 3 times a day.

Great anniversary weekend capped off by a quiet Father’s Day. Sometimes it is not a bad thing that the kids aren’t al in your face on Father’s Day. Sometimes it is nice when the day is about the Father having time to think.

I hope all of your fathers and all of you that are fathers had a wonderful day and spent it how you wanted to. Sometimes that is the greatest gift.

Mood Swings, Drugs, Medications, Houses and Toddler Beds

I feel like I have never felt before. Before the drugs (the majority of them) and before the medications I kind of remember being a angsty preteen pain in my absentee parent’s rear. During that time moods were being thrown all over the place, but the only control that was to be had was whatever environmental factors that I could avoid or get in to.

When I increased the usage of illicit drugs I still had little to no control over my emotions, but then there were very little emotions to be had. The psychotic episodes began and my conscience went on vacation.

I then got on medications and everything went blank. I was forcing any emotion that would almost come and I didn’t think I would ever be anything but what I was right then.

Now things are different again. I have come to realize that emotions are hard, if not impossible, to control and I do have them – they were just being smothered by the drugs (legal and not).

Off the pain medication and on the right meds I have emotions, real ones. Depression is a passing thing not a state of being. I know what love, not obsession, is. I know what it means to be, or want to be, co-dependent as opposed to independent and dependent.

My words are being saved for something else right now, but I can say I feel like the bright summer sun that just found the break in the clouds from a deluge that had lasted for days, weeks, months, or even years.

We are house hunting right now and the clouds streak in front of me occasionally because I know, due to my past, that I am only an assistant in the process. I mean it will be mine and the decision is half mine, but everything will be and is in my wife’s name. A sense of ownership is hard to find and therefore pride is difficult to inflate, which may be a good thing, but my pride has not existed for a while now – a little would be nice.

When I started this blog we were having sleep issues with my two year old. If she wouldn’t sleep it would nearly kill me to stay up. I would breakdown and not recover for days. Now she is in a toddler bed, sleeping through the night, except the time I am going to talk about, and is a good sleeper – for the most part.

We put her to bed every night using the same routine and she still listens to a CD of me singing to her, but she goes down without much of a fuss, doesn’t get out of bed and sleeps through the night, except the other night.

I left my office at 10:45 pm and as I hit the hallway she started crying. I waited, but it only got worse. I went in to talk to her, but she wanted nothing to do with it. Finally she agreed to sleep on the couch. I should have never agreed to that.

Long story short, I was up all night watching movies and reading books to her (she has a back molar coming in we found out). The point is I was tired, but fine. No breakdown and no days to recover.

Things are looking up.

I will keep you abreast of the house situation and the new baby try (surprise).

What else would you like to know about me or my life?

Dealing With Change

Life, as we all know, is nothing but change. However, some of us have difficulty dealing with change. When you are single and without children you really only HAVE to deal with your changes and you think your life will end when you finally cave to those changes.

When you find a significant other you have to deal with their changes if you want the relationship to work and most of the time, even though you tell them, they don’t understand that change, any change, is very difficult.

Now that’s two lives who’s changes affect you. Add kids to the mix and not only are their changes included, but their changes are, somewhat, governed by you so you have to force change in your own life so they can continue in theirs.

From bottle to food. From crib to bed. From diapers to underwear. From home to daycare. From daycare to school. And all the major and minor one in there as well.

We currently live in an apartment. Have since our little family started. We are looking to buy a house VERY soon. This is one of the biggest changes in my life, I am finding out. It means, to me, a beginning of a settled life and it scares the hell out of me.

The other bad part about change is my moods and I am sure I am not alone. As the change rolls around in my mind I get more and more depressed and sullen, even angry at times, but when I concede to it, if I concede to it, mania kicks in – hard.

I try to calm myself down. I try to get in my routines. I try to not think of only me, but it is all so hard. My mind cannot fairly fight itself and that is what is happening.

I have no advice. I have only complaints. I have only a war inside my head and a time where I try not to piss off my wife more than usual. Oh, and I try not to deal with money much (there is a little advice in there).