Short Update

A short update is all I have time for. I am writing incessantly and I am reviewing constantly for Divertir publishing and then there is the writing group that I started that I am back working for that is taking all my time. Between all of that and cleaning the house and occasionally taking care of the toddler and spending what little time I have left over with the wife I don’t know how to breathe anymore.

I love it all though. If I could find a job I would love it even more. Would not cut anything out, I would just rearrange stuff to give me time to work. Give me a job universe and I will give you my all.

As far as a job goes I need a desk job so I can sit due to my arthritis and degenerative disc thingy, not to mention the nerve disorder. I also need something relatively low stress because of the schizophrenia and the anxiety attacks.

There’s my update. Ask me questions, really, and I will answer them. Please ask me questions.

Three Lies I Tell Myself

I can be normal.

I suppose it depends on your definition of normal, but I will never meet the status quo and that makes me sad so I tell myself that one day I will even though I know that I will not. Sometimes it is better to openly lie to yourself instead of completely accepting something that will crush part of who you are.

I will be Superdad.

I will be the best dad I can be, but that will never be enough for some people. I have days when I think it won’t be enough for my kids either. I have already failed my six year old, will I fail my two year old as well? Will good enough be good enough for me and my kids? Will I be what they need or will I fall short giving everything I can? I will never be Superdad, I will be lucky if I am Decentdad.

I will one day be healed.

This is the big one. I will never be healed. I will be “sick” for the rest of my life. I will be a burden to those around me forever. I will always be that guy with schizophrenia. AND as an added bonus I could pass it on to my kids. Yea!

We tell ourselves lies to soften the blow of reality, but when we live in a world of lies reality has a way of breaking through and crushing us. I try not to be crushed, but I fail most of the time.

The Introduction Of The New Me

Over the last seven years my life has changed dramatically. I got married to the love of my life and life itself seemed wonderful. We had a blissful honeymoon and I thought that was how the entirety of my life would go (I believe she did as well). We were both disappointed.

My mental illnesses got worse and worse. I became more and more susceptible to the stress around me. Jobs started lasting less and less time (I had never lasted long at a job because I got bored or my anger got the best of me, or I had the rare anxiety attack and I never went back because I was embarrassed). I spent quite a bit of time in and out of the hospital because of the anxiety attacks that were coming on weekly or sometimes even more frequently than that.

I lost my last job because I had too much time away due to the inability to handle stress and determined that school was my best bet. I would change majors from Culinary Arts to something less stressful. Instead, while living with my in-laws I had my breakdown.

Over the next two months I degraded so fast that neither my wife nor I knew what was going on. She became cold and I became distant. Everyone was out to get me and I could not leave my desk chair other than to go outside to the comfort of my secluded balcony to smoke. It was obvious that I needed help so, with my wife’s help, I got it.

To make a long story short as I have gone over most of this before, I eventually found the psychiatrist I am with now. I eventually found the right mix of medications and I eventually started to feel normal.

I wanted out of the house. I want out of my desk chair. I started to do more around the house. I started spending time with my daughter. I started being a somewhat normal human being.

Last week I decided that it was time for me to go back to work. Due to child support from my first marriage, I need to make a certain amount just to bring in what I am bringing in now with my disability and the jobs that disability will find for you are a joke.

So I am job hunting. I haven’t worked since 2007. I am a published writer so I use that as my work experience for the last several years, but a lot of employers don’t look kindly on that. I will find a job. I will contribute to my household. I will be a active member of society. I will introduce the world to the new me.

Cigarette Break

The cat that wasn’t really there
ran across my vision again. He is
all black, except for a small amount
of white at the tip of his tail and
just under his little chin. Sometimes
he sits at the edge of my peripheral
and just stares at me with his glowing
green eyes. Other times, like this time,
he darts across in front of me, startling
me, forcing me to take a step back.
This cat, that no one can see but me,
knows I abhor his presence, yet still
he haunts me – toys with my mind.
I hate that fucking cat.

I forget about the cat for a moment
and sit down in my chair that faces
the small copse of trees. Birds, big
blue jays and regal cardinals, flit
among the branches, singing their
songs and calling out to one another.
I watch as they dart from limb to
limb, tree to tree, and from the trees
to the small awning that covers my
deck. I watch as one breaks from
the flock and dives down towards
me, it’s beady little black eyes locked
on mine and I scream, jumping up
out of my chair, throwing myself
against the wall, covering my face
with my arms, shaking like a leaf in
a strong wind, waiting for the impact
… but the impact never comes and
my screams die in a hoarse whisper.
The bird is nowhere to be found.
Was there ever even a single bird?
I hate those fucking birds.

I pick my chair up off the deck and
sit back down, my eyes drawn to
the Poplar planks with their ellip-
tical knotholes. As my eyes slide
across the wood, I find a multitude
of eyes staring back at me, blinking,
some of them crying, and the largest
one bleeding. I shake my head to try
try to clear my vision, but the eyes
have me. The pupils trapped in the
wood, following my swiveling head.
I close my eyes tight and scream in
frustration, but when I open them, I
find I am still being stared at.

I can’t take this anymore, so I slam
my cigarette down in the ashtray,
listening to it scream as I grind out
the butt and walk inside, where I bury
my head in my pillows, praying that
sleep will end this fucking nightmare.

Moving … Finally

So we got the keys to our new house on the 26th of July and the movers come on the 2nd of August. It is official, we are home owners!

House Monsanto

It is a cape cod 1.5 story 3brd 2bth home that also has a finished basement. Flat, beautiful backyard with two mature trees in it. No garage or carport, but we may add a carport at a later date.

We are ecstatic! This is the house we wanted to begin with, but they turned down our offer and eventually took an offer from us that was $7500 less that our initial offer, their loss is our gain.

I believe that once we are moved in I may post of video tour of the place.

Another Note

We had to switch to a mail order pharmacy and, long story short, I am out of my main anti-psychotic and will be until Monday at the earliest. That is not a good thing.

 

Happy Me is Happy.