It is one of the easiest languages in the world, if not the easiest. Synonyms, antonyms, etc. make the intricacies (of American English) so confusing that people that have been studying it for decades don’t understand all of it, let alone the common man – and especially the common child (preteen – young adult)
Most of the saying that are listed below are lies to either protect someone else’s feelings, or make the liar feel better about themselves by making themselves look better in front of whoever it is that wish to gain the attention of at that moment, but that doesn’t mean they don’t bother the crap out of me.
This is a rant and expresses my opinions at this time in a rough and often offensive manner – don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Some of the little quirks that bother me most are listed below. Some are issues with American English and some are issues with people’s inability to actually think before speaking something that has been ingrained in them for more years than they can remember (does not excuse the behavior in my opinion). I have started to gain empathy for others and I understand and can sympathize with the need to protect other’s feeling in certain situations, but sometimes you have to put the lies aside and deliver the truth in a kind fashion. Also, if these little lies were actually thought out and not just mindlessly delivered it would make more sense to me.
Another thing I have issue with, and I will get more into it later, is that almost all faith based belief systems teach truth and honesty, yet we all lie countless times during the day. How many parents, who have a faith that practices that intrinsic belief tell their children and other young relatives that there is a Santa Clause that brings them toys and watches over them? Or an bunny who delivers eggs? Or a fairy that takes teeth and leaves a gift? Or countless other things. Hypocrisies are in rampant in this country – in this world. I am not saying I am not guilty of these things, but I am aware fo them and I am working to correct them. And my belief system (or faith) doesn’t have that tenant.
Without anymore stalling, here we go.
- I can [perform task] in my sleep.
DRIVING: Seriously? I have done that. Several times. I have also driven blacked out. Several times. I have learned that it is possible while blacked out, but impossible when sleeping. Sure I can drive while sleeping, but not to anywhere other than in the rear of another car or a telephone pole. So, YES, you can drive while sleeping, but you won’t survive it.
COOKING: No. Say goodbye to your fingers, forearms, face, and other exposed skin or loosely covered skin. fire is hot. You burn easily. Knives are sharp. Your flesh is soft and supple.
There are many others, but I just can’t think of them right now. If you have one, I will gladly expand on it and/or include it here.
This is not a lie that benefits anyone except the one telling it. Alter it a bit and then maybe it can be true.
- As quick as shit.
Okay maybe as quick as diarrhea leaving your ass, but even that is not a ‘quick’ experience. I know not everyone is like me, but I have never gotten off the throne in less than five minutes and that is not what I would consider ‘quick’. If that person has a ‘quick’ shit then they should say as quick as MY shit. Shit can also refer to general items. I can’t think of general items being ‘quick’ either. Not really sure where this one came from but I would not be sad if it died (I might even rejoice).
Pie is not easy. Making dough is not fun for me. Forming a crust is just tedious. The filling is easy, but the perfect pie is hard to come by as the temperature and time has to be exact. Maybe it is enjoyable for some and maybe they know what they are doing, having doing it for years, but it is still not ‘easy’. To be crude – one of the slang definitions for pie is a woman’s sexual area. Every woman is different, trust me I have been with enough of them to know that. Figuring that out is harder than figuring out if there is a God. I doubt the person who came up with this gem was thinking of that meaning when they said it.
- You don’t wanna know.
First of all, ‘wanna’ is not a word. It is ‘want to’. And secondly, when this is said the person delivering the comment usually doesn’t know me well, if at all, and how would they know if I want to know about something? They should say I don’t think you want to know about it. No assumptions. This is not necessarily a lie, just not exactly true in most cases. I don’t always use proper English, but I try to use real words correctly. I know the language is expanding everyday and I know that many people think that is a wonderful thing because language is a living and breathing thing, but there needs to be some reverence. ‘LOL’ should not be a word, but it is now officially recognized as one.
This one is one of my biggest annoyances. I even find myself using it and I don’t know what to say instead of it. I want to strangle, skin, eviscerate and then crucify the person that came up with the current use off the word.
You need to pick up your toys.
The Word has three definitions according to Miriam Webster which is a highly respected dictionary.
what·ev·er pronoun \hwät-ˈe-vər, wät-, (h)wət
Definition of WHATEVER
a : anything or everything that <take whatever you want>
b : no matter what <whatever he says, they won’t believe him>
c : whatnot <enjoys skiing, hiking, or whatever>
: what 1a(1) —used to express astonishment or perplexity
Examples of WHATEVER
“What’s that smell?” “I don’t know, but whatever it is, it’s awful!”
Whatever you do, don’t press that button!
a : any … that : all … that <buy peace … on whatever terms could be obtained — C. S. Forester>
b : no matter what <money, in whatever hands, will confer power — Samuel Johnson>
: of any kind at all —used after the substantive it modifies with any or with an expressed or implied negative <in any order whatever — W. G. Moulton> <no food whatever>
Examples of WHATEVER
She will buy the painting at whatever price.
There’s no evidence whatever to support your theory.
: in any case : whatever the case may be —sometimes used interjectionally to suggest the unimportance of an issue or decision between alternatives
Examples of WHATEVER
<whatever the reviews say, I still think it was a great play>
– Nowhere does it say that whatever is a synonym for ‘I don’t care’. Please stop using it in that manner. I am trying, will you?
- How’s it going/How are you doing/What’s up?
Usually when these things are asked the person asking does not care and the person being asked knows that so responds with a programmed response that holds no meaning and no answer to the question that was asked in the first place. If you are going ask a question expect and desire an answer. listen and care. If not don’t ask the question. Say Hello and leave it at that. Some times when these phrases are asked the questions is delivered genuinely, but it is delivered by instinct and not from a desire to know what is going on and their interest is derived from a sense of guilt. Stop feeling guilty and being surprised when the random individual actually tell you What is up.
- Oh that child is so cute.
Okay, this could just be me, but every child is a wonderful gift from nature/the gods/God/the universe/the collective/what have you, but not all of them are physically attractive. The child may be beautiful as that infers that it is wonderful and it is, but cute is about appearance and some newborns, infants, babies, toddlers, children are not attractive and I will go so far as to say they are repulsive to behold. It is the same with adults. So why do we lie to parents and tell them their kid is attractive when it is obvious to everyone but them that their kid could make a blind boar run away squealing. I am not suggestion, recommending, or inferring that anyone should tell a parent that their child is unattractive, just don’t lie to them and tell them that the kid with the five-headed pug-faced hairy behemoth is cute.
I am sure I have a million more gripes and I may discuss them later. Right now This will do.
Text Speak will be something that I will rant about later.
- English or Bloglish: Tips for Bloggers (sixestate.com)
- Perfecting your American English Usage (stevenaarmstrong.wordpress.com)