Parental Love – I Expected It To Be Different Than What It Is

An icon illustrating a parent and child

When I think of my children I think of wonderful blessings from God, the gods, the goddess, the collective, the universe, etc. and I wouldn’t change the fact the that I was a part of their conception. I love them both, more than I thought I could love anyone or anything, except my wife (don’t judge – ever), but it doesn’t mean that I necessarily want to be a part of their lives.

That sounds horrible, I know, but it is how I feel. I don’t believe they should be without a father and as long as they don’t have anything better, I will do my best to make sure they are taken care of and receive every benefit I can give them and more.

I don’t feel this way about both my children (I only have two), but –

If you have not read Starting Off and other entries or it’s been a while, this section is for you. If you don’t need a recap then skip to the section below the “And So” header (I also attempt to go into more detail here).

My Ex-Wife –

On an average weekend my mother picks up my 6 year old son (born 10/28/2007) from his mother who lives with her parents with her two sons, including Kash (what I am going to call my son). She does work and has been at the same place for 8 years (my step-brother’s mother got her the job). She had a boyfriend when we first divorced and she lived on her own. When they separated she moved in with her parents after alienating a couple of friends who have since apologized to me for helping neglecting me during that period and believing her propaganda. We are now the best of friends (they are two of the handful of friends I do have). She found another sucker to be with her and knock her up with another son. When the son was born the loser with several other children turned tail and ran. I feel bad for any child without a father figure (no matter who his mother is). Now she had a new beau. I really hope, for the sake of the kids that he sticks around (permanently would be good).

My Son –

I am supposed to have joint custody of my son. For those of you that don’t know what that means, My ex and I are supposed to have an equal say in how Kash is raised. I am supposed to see him every week for at least a day or two. I am supposed to assist in all major decisions that have to do with him. And the unspoken rule is that I should get to at least meet the man/men that my son will be around. None of that is the case. I do pay child support, but that has nothing to do with my parental rights.

My ex makes all decisions without letting me know about them let alone consulting me beforehand. Now one of the major decisions she tried to consult me on was his schooling. She was determined to send him to a private preschool. Preschool is not mandatory and I do not believe it is necessary if he has a good foundation established at home. If not there are good public preschools in her district. So I refused to pay for half of the private school tuition (over three thousand a half-year) and now she refuses to even talk to me about his progress in school, she has also forbidden my son to talk to me about his schooling (petty if you ask me).

Another unspoken (because I am tired of causing waves – it is not good for my son) item of contention is that she doesn’t even let me know she has introduced new men that she is seeing to my son, let alone offer to let me meet them. I am not concerned (it is more that I want to know who is in my son’s life) as my ex-wife’s parents are wonderful people and since she lives there they would definitely have something to say – especially after the last one screwed her over so hard. I wish her the most happiness that she will allow herself to have and I hope this one sticks around, for my son, her son, and her – in that order.

And So –

As much as it pains me to admit it, if my ex-wife gets remarried and her new husband shows signs that he wants to adopt Kash, I would actually think about it and my answer (after really thinking about it) would probably be yes. That is a horrible thing to say and my family would hate me for it in many ways, but I really think that it would be what is best for everyone involved. My daughter, Shortcake (a pseudonym for my daughter), would be momentarily crushed and would probably always ask for him (that would be one of my contemplation points), but I really think a stable home would be best for my son. When he is old enough and curious enough, he can come looking for me.

Does that make me a horrible parent for even considering that? I don’t know.

It’s not that I don’t love my son. It is quite the opposite. I want what is best for him. I attempted to give up my rights when he was younger (an infant) but our court system would not let me unless there was someone there to assume the responsibility. They do not believe that a single parent can take care of a child and give them everything they need and deserve. I offered to give custody to my ex-wife’s father, but they all declined that (gracefully).

Until something changes (if something changes) I will continue to love him as best as I can and give him what I think he deserves.


My Daughter –

The only person I love more than my daughter is my wife. I almost feel quilty (almost) that I treat her differently than I do my son. My family is inclined to believe that it is because she is a girl and father always treat their girls different. I think that might have a little to do with it, but I believe the main reason is because I have always been in her life and I am a full time parent to her.

The difference between how I feel and treat my children is exponential, I am just glad they don’t realize it yet. When they do I don’t know how I going to explain it without just telling them the truth as I swore I would never really lie to my children.

One last thing I want to talk about here – as I mentioned it briefly –

Child Support

I am on disability. I get less than $1000 a month from the government. That is not anywhere near enough to live on. Child Support takes over 60% of it leaving me with less than $300 a month. That pays most of out cable and electric bill. My ex complains that it is not enough because the father of her second child pays nothing and she is not going after him to do so. I have had it reevaluated with and without a lawyer. They only thing that did was make me have to pay more. I agree that I should have to assist in my son’s expenses, but those are not even included in the child support.  One of the big this it issupposed to go toward is the housing for my son, which is currently free. I have more gripes than I care to share.

So I don’t get to see my son as often as I would like to, or as often as I am supposed to (I would have to get another lawyer to correct that and they are not cheap) and my pocket book is more than dry because of my selfish ex. Absentee fatherhood is not somethign I would recommend to anyone.

If you have children stick around as long as you don’ hate the other parent or part on as good of terms as possible and always push to be as big of a part of the child’s life as possible because even if you don’t at the time, you will want a part of that child’s life and it will be nearly impossible to get back in.



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