I started a new anti-psychotic about two months ago (give or take a week or two) and my mental state has improved quite a bit, especially since the dosage was increased.
In the last four years or so (since the schizophrenia reared its ugly head) I have tried nearly ever anti-psychotic (atypical and typical alike) that has been on the market and none of them have been ideally effective. Recently new medications were introduced to the public and one of those is what I am on at the moment. The small dose did a little (for the good) and that improved as the dose increased. Now I feel better than I have in more years than I can remember (especially with a relatively clear mind).
A few hours ago I realized that I might be in a Manic-like state. I have not been in one in quite some time. Usually they are a blur unless they are particularly significant. I have had them last between several hours and several months. I think this one was only a couple of days. Usually in a manic episode I do some things that I would normally not do. My sense of right and wrong is skewed and I do not notice anything is wrong until I slide out of it (which is why I believe it is over or is almost over). Regretfully the event that leads to a slide out is something significant and usually very detrimental to me and those around me. I don’t remember doing anything really stupid this time, but the situation that made me realize something might be wrong was that I spent money on something I didn’t need to spend it on without talking to my wife who handles the finances (for good reason). I put the frivolous expense on her personal credit card and wasn’t going to tell her. Guilt is not a word that is associated with Mania and so when I woke up in the middle of the night crying I realized that, not only had it been a few days since I had experienced any real emotion, but that I was feeling extremely guilty.
I sent my wife an email as to not wake her up and put my bank card in her purse so I didn’t have the opportunity to do anything that would give me more reason to experience regret. Luckily I have a wonderfully understanding wife and partner and she is blowing it off as long as she is assured that I am going to speak to my mental health professionals about it (which I am at my appointment tomorrow).
Hopefully that brings the manic episode to a halt (if that is what it was) and I can move on. I am tired of all of this. I want to live as normal of a life as possible. I am sure even those without illness of any kind (physical or mental) can sympathize with that.